Donald Trump deliberately selected a bunch of spineless sycophants to fill his cabinet. So, without restating those two words, here, in short phrases, are my takes on the men and women whose most important task is not helping to run the country, but kissing the ass of their boss. If some of these profiles seem interchangeable to you, it’s because they are. Here goes.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio: Foggy Bottom’s Dumbo-eared, Faustian hypocrite.
Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent: Prolific liar and pathetic defender of Trump; his twisted speech patterns indicate possible aphasia.
Attorney General Pam Bondi – Impeached, disbarred, indicted: sounds good to me!
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth – Ridiculous narcissist playacting as a maximum lethality war hero.
Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum – Mr. President, I’m drilling, drilling, so please love me!
Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins – First qualification: attractive, white, Republican woman from Texas; second qualification: past Future Farmer of America; third: uh . . .
Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick – Send in the clowns, but where are the clowns; don’t worry, Howard’s here.
Secretary of Labor Lori Chavez-DeRemer – Her job description: shut up and do nothing.
Secretary of HUD Scott Turner – Who?
Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK, Jr. – Making America Unhealthy Again; rides shotgun in Howard Lutnick’s clown car.
Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy – We miss you, Pete Buttigieg.
Secretary of Energy Chris Wright – Once again, who?
Secretary of Education Linda McMahon – Appointed to do a double leg takedown on the department she was chosen to lead.
Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs Doug Collins – Hey, Doug, you’ve got brown stuff on your nose.
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem (former) – You’re so vain, and, hallelujah, so gone.
Secretary of Homeland Security Markwayne Mullin (confirmed) – Kristi Noem, sans plastic surgery, but identical cluelessness.